me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
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No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.