Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
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My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
This anagram machine is out of order.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.