*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
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Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.