Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
You Might Also Like
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house