Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
You Might Also Like
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
The best plant holders?
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine