and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
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(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying