Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
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me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”