My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
#winning
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control