I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
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That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Every time.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now