I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
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wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.