We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
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Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.