Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
You Might Also Like
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”