So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
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I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
How to wake up a Beagle
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question