Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
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I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.