Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
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Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!