Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
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For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
why no one uses midhusbands
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
✌🏽
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.