There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
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The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me