i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Have a lovely day 😊
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.