I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
You Might Also Like
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.