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5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
#catsoftwitter
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Interior design 👌