Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
You Might Also Like
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.