what’s the point then??
You Might Also Like
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I am yelling
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L