there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
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Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣