Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
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Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
How do you milk an almond?
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
The old gods are rising again.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Perfection.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]