I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
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Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf