I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
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[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Become ungovernable.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
This is my favorite one of these!
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know