I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
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PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
british sex workers really pound for pound
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.