The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.