[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
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a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.