This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
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Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
peeping toms
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
my retirement plan is braless
I’d hang this in my house.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Body by Oreos
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
ibopfufen
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.