It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
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I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Only Americans understand
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.