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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me: