*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
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Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”