*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
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Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.