Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
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Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
This kinda thing happens to me often
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
We found love in a hopeless place.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”