No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
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The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Print is alive and well!!!
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?