me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
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Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
OMG 🤣🤣
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I feel attacked.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY