doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
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2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”