(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
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Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
The glory of fall.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
TODAY
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
✌️
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.