If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
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Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
It do be feeling this way.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
WHO DID THIS?
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?