Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
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[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
August 8
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK