I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
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You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.