My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
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My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”