She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
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“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?