There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
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Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat