[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
You Might Also Like
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
My Guy
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
May have had one breakfast too many
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig