The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
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I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Cinematography is my passion
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.