DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
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*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.