If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
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[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”