All is fair in drunk and war.
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The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.